Leavin' Stuff Behind

I've been practicing martial arts for about a decade now. Regarding wushu, specifically - about nine years. Depending on who you ask, that's either a lot of time, or not very much time - such is the state of the sport, where some of the best practictioners are tiny children who are barely in high school, let alone college, and where some of the world's best are mostly younger than me by at least a few years. Of the 'grand old masters' there appear to be few... very few.

I could, in a sense, leave it all behind.

That makes it sound like I'm quitting. That's not the case, exactly - but there are some things about my participation in it that will probably be very different from now on.

When I started, it was as part of a college club. It was a small club - as such is was like a family, albeit a horribly dysfunctional one. Everyone there, myself included, was odd, peculiar, and had a lot of growing up to do, but that by itself doesn't present anything unusual, given that most of the members were somewhere between the ages of 18 and 21. By and large, that's a pretty awkward bracket of time for a lot of people. Most children are immature and seem to revel in it. 'Mature' adults know when they're actually being mature, and when they're being immature just for the hell of it. But 18-21? It's that maturity 'growing pains' period where so many I've known strive to be hip and be more mature at the same time, when they're actually at their hormone-driven, selfishly-motivated worst. It would be hypocritical if not for the fact that they honestly just don't yet know better. Sure, these are sweeping generalizations... women mature faster than men, and the few women in that club at the time were more 'stable' than the boys. I've known 18-year olds clear-headed and responsible enough to pass for 25, and 28-year-olds who have the mentality of 6-year-old brats. (Ok, that was excessive... 12-year-old brats.)

I'll leave aside the details of most of the bad history, but let's just say that, mostly for the worse, the immature types have not changed, and they carry their foolish ambitions and macho posturing into the later years of their involvement to the detriment of the newer crowds. It was all okay (even though it was rather destructive) at the time, but now we're just all too bloody old to keep carrying on like that, and if this is why wushu in this country has stayed in the state it has, the sport is flat-out doomed; not in the sense that it's ever really going to cease to exist, but that it will never be free from all the petty infighting, selfish squabbling, and immoral scheming. Every generation seems to have had a preponderance of such creeps and dorks so busy slitting each other's throats that the sport is in need of constant transfusions of new blood, and despite the perennial interest, it has never really gone big. It's always on life-support.

For those of you have watched the Karate Kid (which is a movie I truly *don't* like very much), let's just say that the state of the art as i've experienced it is closer to the Cobra Kai dojos than to Mr. Miyagi's bonsai farm.

So why would I stay with such a thing? Doesn't it make me exactly the same kind of fool, to have subjected myself to this for the past nine years?

Well, I can honestly say that it's done a lot for me. Firstly, I'm in decent physical shape for someone who has so far spent most of his life wedged into cubicles and desks. Secondly, there was one or two in that group who had a heart. That was enough to keep me there... I'd have been gone entirely from this if not for those few. Thirdly, after I'd left that first group behind (to think that I stayed there for 6 of those 9 years. Extraordinary.) and helped form a new one at a different school, everything changed. It's been a much better group than the first had been, where most, if not all the participants, are very supportive. Even if they're not universally 'mature,' there's less posturing, more training, and a whole lot more in the way of sincerity and genuine contribution. Over the last four years, this group has given me a lot of hope. Part of me worried about whether or not they'd survive and stay true to their spirit, given the environment around them.

I think that they will - they've rekindled a lot of my faith in humanity. People aren't all just egocentric, hedonistic, witless jerks. There are a lot of them out there, but people can also be generous, selfless, and nurturing. I love this group dearly... but it's also a college club, and I couldn't stay forever. College clubs always stay about the same age, but individuals grow older, and every year, it comes time for some of them to leave. I haven't overstayed my welcome - but strictly speaking, I've probably overstayed my time. We miss each other a lot, and I'll visit and help from time to time, but let's just say that, if ever I was, I'm no longer one of the 'main characters' there.

Besides, with the rest of my life beckoning, especially my aimless career, I've had to move on, physically speaking. I'm now spending most of my time in a town too far removed from group #2 to see them often, so the separation has been an enforced one.

I'm actually back in the vicinity of group #1, which has changed in a lot of ways. For one thing, there are about six times as many people there as when I first walked through the door. Some of the same old pustulent parasites still reside there, like a persistent fungal infection, but they're thankfully a minority now. The newer faces - I don't know if I'll ever really get to know them all that well, because I spend a lot of time in classes and I need a lot more sleep than I used to. There's also the age problem - I'm getting older, and they're all between 18 and 21 - relating might be difficult.

But every martial artist gets older. If there's a natural tendency to live a quieter life apart from the throng, away from the kind of exuberance and energy that used to typify the self at a time when everything was new, when the drive to prove oneself was a desperate one, I'm closer to it now. I have plenty of other things to worry about; in a way I couldn't really bear to be too much a part of all the reckless energy anymore.

I've been in the gradual process of withdrawing from the sport, to spend more time with the art. I don't think I have any ambitions or pretensions associated with it now, if I had them in the past - but I'm actually pretty happy with where I am. It's a pursuit unto itself, which I get to share with a handful of real friends. It always comes back to that. I don't need the mob; I don't need *lots* of anything, as long as what I have is real.

Wish Fulfillment

A lonely almost-holiday. It's not New Year's Eve, or New Year's Day quite yet, but I've been alone most of the day in a quiet, empty house. It's a pretty big house.

Lonely time is ok given the circumstances, though - I've been getting over a slight cold since finals, and most of the last week has been spent largely in bed, just recuperating from the semester. Not that I'm being a baby about it, though - law school's a certain amount of work - school's always more or less work, depending on how much of yourself you care to put into it. As someone who's found most of his identity in school, it matters to me, and so I put in more than most people.

Not because I'm good at it, and not because I feel like I have anything left to prove... but because it's me, and that's what I do.

But that also makes me not terribly good at keeping in touch over the semester. I've now caught up with some of my friends, but I've still plenty of catching up left to do. Fortunately, it feels like I've got enough time to do it... another three weeks of vacation yet to be spent :)

Today's not the day for it, though. Most people are home for the holidays... a lot of my friends are either young enough such that they're spending their holiday at home with family, or have set out from the Bay Area for New Year's. I didn't have anyone to hang out with today. Time for another nap.

That led to a pleasant dream, which is a luxury for me. Most of my dreams are nightmares of one sort or another. On a good night, my dreams are just nonsensical or strange. This one lasted for hours - and I spent it in the company of friends. I don't quite remember what we all talked about, where we were, or even everyone who was there, but it was definitely a pleasant dream, full of good cheer, *probably* good food, and camaraderie of the kind that goes into great storybooks.

Happy New Year's to all of you out there who were with me today, whether you knew it or not. A dream like this is no random occurrence... it's years in the making, springing from the experiences of genuine love and strong bonds.