Another Bittersweet Moment

3am and I can't sleep. Perfect time to blog. This journal is perpetually in danger of sliding off into oblivion, but I suppose it's a good thing I don't post much. I don't do much but whine anyway.

So it's time for another pseudo-whine perhaps, tangentially related to the subject with which I'm probably the most familiar: unrequited love.

But this one has a happy ending :) So let's go:

M.Mellow had a quiet crush on someone. She didn't like him back, of course - but let's not dwell on that overmuch. Let's talk more about her. I'll call her Shysmile, for the purposes of this story. Shysmile broke up with her previous boyfriend, I'm not so sure how long ago. "Breaking up is hard to do," but perhaps not so much for the fact that it involves the loss of a relationship (an imperfect one, in hindsight, of course) as for the forlorn fear of being marooned in the landscape of loneliness from now to the end of one's days, for who knows when, if ever, you'll find a real soulmate? (Even once, never mind twice!) Shysmile is lovely in an unusual way, somewhat tall, creative, and artistically gifted. I can barely draw stick figures, and I can't really carry a tune; people who have artistic talents have a kind of genius that will never be within my grasp. Book smarts I'm somewhat familiar with, but artistic gifts I will never be able to fully fathom, and it's that kind of mystery that holds me in awe. So for several months, Shysmile was somewhat adrift in that state of being where love is uncertain, where life is bearable but painted over with a thin wash of sorrow, and where it's easy enough to smile, or party, and have friends, but still feel somewhat lost. The ether of melancholy colors life's troubles as well... anything that's not going well seems faintly magnified, in the way that an infection will cause even a superficial scrape to redden and become tender. Of this land, M.Mellow is a permanent resident, and I know its contours well. Would that I had no neighbors at all. But back to Shysmile - she summed up her situation in a way straightforward enough for many of us to understand: "No one I like, likes me. And the people who do like me, I don't feel romantically attracted to." For several of those months - I'm not sure how many, being more or less an outside observer - she had a crush on someone she works with. A crush that, as far as she knew at the time, was unrequited.

That lucky person, I'll call Chivalrous. I've had a few good conversations with Chivalrous. He's tall, handsome, humble and modest (to a degree that I almost can't believe, but it's refreshing), unpretentious, generous, and somewhat old-fashioned (which is why I call him Chivalrous). He holds a lot of the same beliefs regarding personal relationships and personal principles that I do, and I'm glad; I was starting to feel ideologically freakish. Anachronistic as our philosophies might be in this day and age, it's nice to be able to talk to someone who won't make me feel like I hold true to outdated romanticisms about love and life. Chivalrous had several women chasing after him; he didn't feel the same way about any of them. No one is to be blamed for this; love's cruel like that. For many of us, you don't like someone because she's "nice" (as some friends seem to insist I ought) or "hot" - on some level, you truly have no control over with whom you fall in love. You fall in love with someone who, for reasons you may or may not be capable of articulating, makes you feel truly alive; someone for whom you long, whose very proximity makes your heart leap. It's as though life itself acquires another dimension, and everything is suffused with emotion. Indecision and anticipation never carry the same sting in other situations. No other kind of stress is as welcome. Hope and yearning become so bittersweet that you don't know if you can bear the thought of actually breaching the question, of treading into the territory where you will know the answer: does she feel the same way? And you are content, but only barely, to let the wishful thinking continue because even the slightest hint of its intoxicating caress is enough to sustain you for another day. Chivalrous tried not to hurt anyone's feelings, but apparently women these days can be very... aggressive, and Chivalrous was losing incredible amounts of sleep trying to extricate himself from the situation while doing the least damage possible. Rejection is as bitter a pill as arsenic; when caught in a spot like this, there's no chance you won't inflict some harm. The best you can do is take the path of lesser evil; not an easy necessity to figure or face for someone who's good of heart, unselfish, and inexperienced. This isn't something Chivalrous had much experience with, despite being an attractive person (moreso than I think he realizes). Through the whole thing, though (which lasted the better part of at least two months, maybe longer), Chivalrous was very attracted to Shysmile. Given his, um... awkward personal situation, however, there wasn't *that* much time to get to know each other. Interested - and caring - third parties intervened, on a number of subtle levels.

Dare I call it a courtship? They're both so shy! It's very cute. They couldn't make eye contact easily. So much trepidation, so much apprehension. It was only tonight that they held hands in the presence of mutual friends. They even seemed giddy about it. As I said - it's refreshingly old-fashioned... I didn't know love still happened this way. I've become far too much of a cynic for my own well-being. Speaking on a purely superficial level, they are, quite simply, the most attractive couple I've ever seen. As to them as people, I love their personalities; both are sweet, thoughtful, and self-deprecating. Chivalrous' life will be made easier if everyone knows he's taken. (And Chivalrous has never had a girlfriend before, which is fairly surprising to me since I can only guess he's about 21 or 22.) Shysmile's life will be made easier because Chivalrous seems like the kind of person who really can make everything better just by being there. (Not that he'd just be standing around, mind you. He's a very attentive boyfriend.) Though they seem more than a little embarassed by the amount of recognition (including much accompanying applause), they also seem to be relieved at being surrounded by so much support and approval. Is that a prerequisite? No. But it at least ought to assuage any fears they might have about not being good enough for the other, or any suspicions that the attraction is one-sided.

M.Mellow departs with a smile on his face and tears in his heart. I am both sad and filled with a sort of impish glee; hardly ambivalent, however, as I know all of what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it.

Perhaps I'm an insufferable cynic, but tonight? Well, tonight I'll say - Sometimes, in love, the right thing does happen. And nothing else I've ever known breathes so much life into the dying embers of a cynic's heart.