Uneasy Truce

My demons and I have an interesting relationship. Well, perhaps not really... I figure that most people who have demons, have an interesting relationship with them.

They are my enemy; they feed off my soul, they thrive on my pain. When they believe that they have the upper hand, they push the advantage, striving to force me into the downward spiral that seems to be the lifegoal of any demon that plagues any other person.

But they are my tool; their rage becomes mine. And though it burns me from the inside out, I use the power, not as they see fit, but instead as I see fit; sometimes I work best when I'm angry. It's odd that, even as they try to push me down, I use their torment as fuel for my own fire. So what if it's the Dark Side of the Force? I'm shooting the lightning bolts at the right targets.

As a small but amusing example; I can't shoot pool worth a spit. One day, though, I happened to be shooting pool and I saw a bunch of people who really annoy me walk in. I continued playing - sinking shot after shot with serious authoritah. The people I was playing with noticed the tenfold increase in skill, and remarked that anger really does a lot for my game.

A more mundane, but significant example; it made me do well in school. Especially as an undergrad. I was actually able to concentrate on studies whilst pissed off - a neat trick, really - not everyone can do that. When I'm busy counting my curses, it's hard not to count this one as an odd sort of blessing.

It's negative energy, but if that's all you got, why waste it? I would rather channel the only strength I have instead of merely trying to dissipate it as waste heat.

On different levels, I know that there are other people who understand the same thing, but in different ways. Charles Schultz noted that sadness, not happiness, tends to create humor. Cartoon characters usually go through travails, the observation of which makes us laugh. Only occasionally do comics manage to make us smile through a sense of sympathy and not mockery. Dilbert is an odd example of both with simultaneity; Calvin and Hobbes also manages to do both, only it manages to do so separately.

Enjelani also manages to channel demons towards creative ends. She even manages to do so in a way that produces results that are literally beautiful. I only wish that it were possible for me to do something like that, but I'll settle for useful torment if the only alternative is self-destructive torment.

Let the little fiends nettle away, damn them. I'm sure that the fact that I can use them as well as they use me annoys the living piss out of them.